Thinking Aloud - My Random Thoughts

A friend once told me that her mom does not want her to read romance novels because it can create such an ideal guy, an ideal relationship in a young girl’s mind. I knew then that it has some truth to it. But now I wonder whether it had such a great effect on me as romance novels make up most of my books at home. And I read my books not only once or twice but I take one out of my bookstand everytime I can’t seem to fall asleep (which is often).

I believe I am an idealist in a lot of ways even when it comes to relationships and I must admit it may be part of the reason why I have yet to find myself in a romantic relationship in this lifetime.
There are other reasons of course but I get tired of even thinking about them. I tend to overanalyze and think too much. Aside from the fact that I rather not discuss my non-existent lovelife.

Why does this post have the above title then? As I mentioned to a friend recently, I am not one of those people who just do not want to "clutter" their lives with a significant other or are too focused with their careers that they do not have a boyfriend/girlfriend. I have made a lot of excuses, I have heard the excuses of other people that I have tried to use as my own. But now I face up to the fact  that given a guy that I like and who likes me back (enough to tell me about it at least), I just may find myself in a romantic relationship. Sounds easy? How I wish.

I am a romantic at heart. I am not the mushy, cheesy type though or at least I do not want to think I am. But this blog entry was inspired by the love story of Jang Geum in the Korean TV series Jewel in the Palace. Unlike most TV series, JWP did not dwell on the love story but it was creatively intertwined with the plot, getting the spotlight only towards the end of the series. It is based on the story of a real historical figure who was the first and only woman to serve as head physician to the King in the rigidly hierarchical and male-dominated social structure of the Joseon Dynasty. But I think this is also one of the most heartwarming love stories I had ever known. It had the rich and poor theme (they do not belong to the same social strata and therefore should not be together) but it was not overly emphasized. You can feel that the story’s characters love each other even without the usual melodramatic dialogue with flashy declarations of love. I do not think they even shared a kiss throughout the series but how they treat each other was enough. The way their eyes light up, the way they smile when they see each other or remember a particular instance that they were together. We often hear the term "I will be there for you" but it need not be said between Jang Geum and Jung Ho Min because no cry of help was needed, they were simply there for each other, for the good and not so good times.

I admire the character of Jung Ho Min because even if his lady love seemed destined for greatness, he did not feel insecure. Neither did he consider her as a ‘trophy’.  He wanted her to succeed even if it meant they had to part ways. (I did not like that part too much though because I thought it was not necessary to sacrifice their relationship.)  I think that a man secure enough with his abilities and self worth will not feel threatened that "his" woman be regarded as "greater" than him. Besides, he can be proud of his own accomplishments and contributions to society.

Their love story was not without the "quotable quotes" though. I do not think I can quote them verbatim but its the meaning that counts. I tend to smile as I recall the scenes…

Jung Ho Min was giving Jang Geum the civil treatment (nagpapacute ata :))…

Jung Ho Min: Bakit ka nagpunta dito (sa tanggapan nya)?

Jang Geum: Kasi gusto ko sana sabihin sayo na iniintay ka na ng mga bata (Jung Ho Min offered to teach some kids in the hospital where Jang Geum works)…

Jung Ho Min: O sige, pupuntahan ko sila bukas. Yun lang ba? Nagpunta ka dito para lang dun?

Jang Geum: Ah… Oo.

Nung pumasok na si Jung Ho Min sa tanggapan…

Jang Geum (in a whisper): para rin sana makita kita…

A similar scene happened again soon after that and on the third time…

Jung Ho Min: Nagpunta ka ba dito para lang makita ang mga bata?

Jang Geum: Nagpunta ako para makita sila at… para makita ka na rin…

Jung Ho Min (in almost a shout): O… mahirap ba sabihin yun? Mahirap ba? (Tapos biglang tumawa…at natawa silang dalawa… hehehe…)

… They were fleeing the palace to start their lives together, away from the palace and the people and circumstances that hinder them from being together…

Jang Geum: Hindi ka ba natatakot o kinakabahan?

Jung Ho Min: Natatakot… natatakot ako na baka magising at malaman na panaginip lang pala ang lahat ng ito…

… then they were in the middle of nowhere looking for a place to stay (I think)…

Jang Geum: Hindi ka ba nagsisisi na dahil sa akin nahihirapan ka?

Jung Ho Min: Hindi… kasi ikaw ang dahilan

… when questioned by the king if she indeed loves Jung Ho Min (the king btw also likes Jang Geum), she replied yes (Jang Geum and Jung Ho Min haven’t said the words to each other at this point yet, if they even said it at all) and then realized that she could have put Jung Ho Min in danger…

Jang Geum (visibly worried): Tinanong ako ng hari kung mahal kita, sinabi ko ‘oo’… Nde ko ako nag-isip… Nde ko naisip kung ano ang maaaring mangyari sayo…

Jung Ho Min (slightly smiling): Pinaligaya mo ako sa mga sinabi mo… Hindi ako natatakot kung ano ang mangyayari sa akin ang mahalaga ang sinabi mo sa kanya…

Alright, alright… these may be cheesy (I hope no ones throws up hehehe) especially since it is in Tagalog but if you take into consideration the characters of Jung Ho Min and Jang Geum, it becomes endearing because it is totally unexpected and they do not act as if they are star-crossed lovers or people so ‘madly’ in love with each other.

So… do I hope to find my own Jung Ho Min? If it is possible, why not? But I am no Jang Geum and this is the 21st century. I am idealistic but I am grounded on reality as well. I just hope and pray I will be blessed with a wonderful love story as well. No need for a love will conquer all situation. No need for flashy declaration, a shout for all the world to hear. Love is in the little things, on how happy both of you are because you have each other and you are not stepping on other people or hurting them in the process.

A friend once asked me: ‘Is it your heart that does not want to compromise or is it your ego?’
My reply: ‘Good question… it is probably my ego and my ideals’

But now I think about it once more and realize that if my heart truly wants to compromise, it will allow my ego and my ideals to give way and relent…

So until that time, I will patiently wait…

Ayaw ko na…

…how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you…

sabi ko naman tama na, hindi na ako aasa at baka karma ko na ito…

hay hirap pala… pero im trying… honestly…

Hindi ko alam…

… what you don’t know won’t hurt you… ows talaga?

if you want the truth, yan na yun… yan na ang pinakatotoo kong sasabihin…

ang hirap magdesisyon, sana hindi na lang ako tumanda…

Bakit ganun?…

… there are things not meant to be understood… or the answers will come when you least expect it…

#!*#&@!&#!!! - malayo pa naman siguro ako sa mid-life crisis?

ambilis ng panahon, hindi ko na namalayan - pressure ba ito?

ayan na naman… parang gusto mong umiyak… pero naiisip mo… hindi dapat iniiyakan ang mga bagay na yan… remember: people are going to let you down because you expect too much… or you think too much? you’ve let people down without meaning to… baka ganun din lang yun… kanya-kanya lang… pana-panahon lang…

Ano ba?!…

plastikan ba ito?

ano ba talaga ang gusto mo?

sino ba talaga sila? part of your life? part of now? or part of what you need to get by?

tao o bagay?

ano na ba ang importante? -> REPEAT from the top… hehehe… BALIW!!!

This was quite an experience… i just had to write it down…

I had to take an exam a week ago and naturally I had to study for it… hehehe… I realized that my study habits have not changed at all… master crammer pa rin… hehehe… i came to realize that working students should really be admired… its not easy to study after a long day’s work… you’d rather watch TV or sleep (in my case, add eat… hehehe) rather than pick up that book and review… i think it requires real commitment and focus… na HINDI MADALING GAWIN… hehehe…

The night before the exam, I went to the adoration chapel of the Edsa Shrine to pray that I may do well the next day… but I was also very anxious… to pass the exam was important to me… but I felt it was important to my pride than anything else… and i didnt think that was a very noble reason… people had far more pressing problems than that… so i didnt know what to tell Him… except that His will be done… and pray for his blessing and grace…

As usual right before an "important" event, i had trouble sleeping… as my usual style… I still read my reviewers and other parts of the book i had not paid much attention to… finally got to sleep around 1 or 130… woke up around 5… started on my reviewers again… my sister actually thought I didnt sleep… ("haller… ano kala mo sa akin?" was my answer… hehehe…)

While taking the exam, i felt that i had not studied enough.. i shouldnt have watched TV that much… I should have devoted more time to studying… tsk,tsk,tsk… I felt i would have done better… and of course that nagging fear that I may not make the cut… 70% to pass… I was sure of only 50% of my answers… maybe even less… my head was pounding already… i had not taken my breakfast yet (it was already 1pm) and i was riding on less than 4 hours of sleep… so when I had to click on the icon that will show whether I passed or failed… i took some time to pray… (the kind man at my back also told me to do so… God Bless him… I hope he passed his exam too…) … Your will Lord… if i dont make it… it will be a very humbling experience… if I pass… all credit is Yours Lord…

Moment of Truth: click… the screen reads.. Congratulations you passed the test!!! _(rating here)_ % Wow… for a few seconds there… I couldn’t move literally… i was overcome with relief… "Congratulations, mataas ah…" - sabi ng proctor (for the record: nde po mataas… sabi nya lang un… alam nya kasi na sobra ang nerbyos ko… hehehe… kaya basta pumasa, mataas na… hehehe) her words brought me back… "Thank you po" - that was all I managed to say… ("Thank God, magpamisa ka ha…" - the kind man at my back told me again..) "Opo, thank you Lord talaga" was my reply.

I’d rather not get into the details of the "events" that followed… as these involved some tears shed, a group hug at the middle of an office lobby and numerous calls and texts to family and friends.. hehehehe…

I met my sister and my best college bud (who had his cousin with him) for a late lunch… i was more than willing to shoulder the bill… (early celebration na ito… hehehe) and of course i just had to share my exam experience with them… my friend then rolled his eyes and told me… (this is not in verbatim) "Ganyan ka naman palagi e… feeling nde papasa… pumapasa naman… nothing new there…" And his cousin said (good naturedly) something like … "don’t you just hate it when people say that and they not only pass but end up getting a high score?" (ok… connivance na ito ng magpinsan… i paid the bill pa nyan ah… hahaha…)

Their remarks brought back high school and college memories… i really used to say that after some (most?!) of my exams… and i remember my mom actually told me that some people may take it the wrong way… thinking back… i think some people may have felt i really didnt mean it… :(    but for the record.. i never say that if i think i had a good chance of passing… minsan naman alam mo na papasa ka d b? meron naman exams na madali talaga… pero minsan ako mismo nagugulat kapag andyan na ang results… swerte lang talaga manghula… hehehehe… at syempre God’s grace…

Yun na… yan na ang kwento ko… i hope people won’t mind the abrupt switch from English to Tagalog or vice versa… i hope the ellipsis dont bother them too… i basically wrote down what came to mind… didnt pay much attention to grammar either… hehehehe… and some details were purposely omitted… hahahaha…

… alam mo mahirap maging mabait… either abusuhin ka o kaya ma mimisinterpret ang kabaitan mo… sigh…

… kung sarili ko lang iniisip ko, mas madali sigurong magdesisyon kaso hindi ko kaya na kalimutan ang iba…

… sa totoo lang, gusto ko kayong maging masaya… promise!

… masama bang maging idealistic? … bakit may mga taong nakita nila ang hinahanap nila? … e d ako pwede rin di ba?

… aminin mo na kasi wala sa ibinibigay yan, nasa nagbibigay… kaya dont look for signs… hehehe… (connect? :D)

… kailangan ba magtaray talaga ako para maintindihan mo? …

… don’t expect, but be hopeful… nax! (isipin mabuti ang pagkakaiba) - para sa akin yan… hmmm

… you dont need to tell me in a subtle or even in a not so subtle way na "this is what you are missing" because i do not regret my decision… o see di ba you’re happy…

… kahit hindi mo sabihin, alam ko sinadya mo yun… salamat na rin at least natauhan ako at marami akong napagtanto… (nax ulit! hehehe)

… kaya ko kayang maging madre? pinagiisipan ko yan kala mo…

… cencia na, minsan ayaw ko talagang makihalubilo… nakakapagod makisama ng hindi mo talaga feel…

… don’t flatter yourself too much… hindi lang ikaw ang cute sa mundo… hmmmph… hehehehe… - alam ko na yan kaya hindi para sa akin yan… hehehe

… alam mo kahit noon pa… i really dont mind being under a terror/tough teacher as long as hindi sila irrational… hehehe… kasi natututo talaga ako sa kanila… tsaka dun ko nalalaman kung hanggang san ang kaya ko… (nax! the third time)…

… tanggap ko na na jologs ako… pero at least kaya ko pa rin sumabay sa mga hindi jologs… hehehe… i think i can be proud of that… hehehe…

dami ko talaga iniisip… baka may part 2 pa ito… kaso wala pa ngang continuation yung isa kong post… tsk,tsk,tsk…

It’s been a week now since I had my hair cut… Yet people still can’t get used to it. Actually, I am not sure if I am already used to it. But to be honest, I do not regret having it cut. Well, I would have wanted a shoulder length hair at least but since the hair stylist seemed to think that my shoulder is about two inches higher than where it really is, I ended up with hair just around 1 and 1/2 inches from the base of my ear.

Quite a drastic change really… since my hair was already halfway through my back - the longest it had been in my entire life.  People have asked me if I donated my hair or asked the salon to make a wig out of it… actually, I did not even look at the hair they managed to cut although I assume that it must be longer that the hair I am sporting now. Once I had gotten it cut, I never looked back… hehehehe… I did laugh upon seeing my new ‘do. I can’t imagine then how people would react… (now I know…:))

I just wanted my hair short. Period. Its been at least two years since my hair length was at least shoulder length. And if hair is an "asset", I had reached the end of the "useful life" of my rebonded hair (a very good deal btw as it lasted for more than a year - thanks Prive II.. :))

My mom kept telling me a while back that I should get my hair cut as I look much older than I really am. Well, apparently my mom wasn’t wrong… I had gotten at least 5 comments from different people saying that I looked a few years younger with my short hair… I am not sure though whether I should take it as an insult or as a compliment… hehehe…

Some other reactions I got: "Sino ka?"; "Anong naisip mo at nagpagupit ka ng buhok?"; "Kung may problema ka, wag mo daanin sa buhok mo…"; "Heartbroken ka noh?"; "Mukha kang nene";

I get called Nene now (after the PBB Big Winner)… and even Say for that matter (another PBB housemate)… Why, you ask? I definitely have no idea… You will have to ask my friend Chris and some of my other officemates… (the answer though may be another story… hehehe)

Needless to say, most people wanted my hair long. But as implied earlier, I don’t mind. I wanted a change in my hair style and I got it. I am able to reduce my bath time by at least 1/4. I do not have to spend several minutes drying and combing my hair… and its a refreshing change to be called "mukhang bata" (hahahaha….)

I have a very simple answer to the question - "Why did you cut your hair?"

Ang tagal na nyang mahaba e… nakakasawa na… yun lang… hehehehe…

I wanted to update my Friendster profile (something I had not done in quite a while :D)… with a video…

Naturally, I wanted a video which features a song that will describe me or my life or how I feel or at the very least, a song that I like… hehehehe…

During my search… I am reminded of song lyrics… some that made an impression… or those that seemed "profound" to my ears… or maybe those I can relate to… hehehehe…

Here are some of them:

"I Hope You Dance" - Lee Ann Womack

"…I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
     Never settle for the path of least resistance
     Living might mean taking chances
     But they’re worth taking
     Lovin’ might be a mistake
     But it’s worth making
     Don’t let some hell bent heart
     Leave you bitter
     When you come close to selling out reconsider
     Give the heavens above
     More than just a passing glance

     And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
     I hope you dance… "

"Jesu Durabunct Acta" - Assumption Antipolo Batch 1999 (:-D)

“…When I do become all I ever want to be

When I reach great heights for all the world to see

I’ll look back to what life has made of me

And give back to God all the glory

When the cares of this world beckon me

To live for my self alone

I’ll always look back to this truth I’ve known

I can ask a million questions

I can try to do great things

But all things in this world will pass

Only what is done for Christ will last…”

"Warrior is A Child" - Gary Valenciano

"Lately I’ve been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I’m amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don’t see inside of me
I’m hiding all the tears

They don’t know that I go running home when I fall down
They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
‘Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child… "

"Collide" by Howie Day

"… Even the best fall down sometimes
      Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
      Out of the doubt that fills my mind
      I somehow find
      You and I collide… "

"Someday We’ll Know" - Switchfoot

"… Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
      Or what the wind says when she cries?
      I’m speeding by the place that I met you
      For the ninety-seventh time… tonight

      Someday We’ll Know
      If love can move a mountain
      Someday We’ll Know
      Why the sky is blue
      Someday We’ll Know
      Why I wasn’t meant for you… "

"I Know Him by Heart" by Vonda Shepard

"… Am I living an illusion?
      Wanting something I can’t see
      If I compromise, I’d be living lies
      Pretending love’s not meant to be
      Cause I know my heart’s worth saving
      And I know that he’ll be waiting
      So I’ll hold on and I’ll stay strong ’till then

     Cause I know he’s out there somewhere
     Just beyond my reach
     Though I’ve never really touched him
     Or ever heard him speak
     Though we’ve never been together
     We’ve never been apart
     No we’ve never met
     Haven’t found him yet
     But I know him by heart… "

—— * —— * ——* —— * —— * —— * ——* —— * —— * —— * ——* -

"Kudos" to the song writers.. I am sorry I am only able to give the names of the artists who sang these songs…

By the way, for some reason the video in my Friendster profile ended up with…

"All the Love in the World" by the Corrs

"I’m not looking for someone to talk to
I’ve got my friends, I’m more than O.K.
I’ve got more than a girl could wish for
I live my dreams but it’s not all they say…
…

"Love’s for a lifetime not for a moment
So how could I throw it away
Yeah I’m only human
And nights grow colder
With no-one to love me that way
Yeah I need someone who really sees me… "

How I wish I can be considered a jetsetter…

This blog entry is long overdue. I should have written this a long time ago… when the ‘events’ were still fresh on my mind. Well, better late than never. Besides, I still remember my ‘travel adventures’ quite clearly…

I always dreamed of going to other countries. My "I live for …" quote for my college yearbook page reads "I live for the time when I will be able to tour the world, Europe especially." So its not exactly a ‘cool’ quote but it’s the one of the things I really hope to be able to do before I die. hehe…

I don’t think I say it often enough but I thank God that within two years into the ‘corporate’ world, I was able to see Singapore twice and Slovakia (and the airports of other European countries) once.

Despite these though, I doubt that I can be called a jetsetter. You’ll be much more convinced that I am definitely not one if you knew what I had gone through during these trips.(Well, you’re about to find out… :-D)

Before I left for Singapore the first time, I did not know how I was going to get through NAIA. For someone whose last airplane ride was more than 15 years ago, I was certainly not overjoyed with the fact that I had to leave the country for the first time on my own. I then had to tell myself that if other people survived their first international plane ride, then I would too. Hehe.

My flight was scheduled for 830am (if I remember correctly) but I was at the airport a couple of minutes before 6am (nde naman ako excited noh? medyo lang… hehe). Actually, I was there really early to make sure I don’t miss the flight just in case I do something wrong. (Hehe.. talk about paranoid) So naturally, I had to wait for a few hours before I boarded the plane. I was in the waiting area, trying to guess who among those people were going to be in the same plane as I am. (All I had to do was to follow them… :)) I noticed a guy who seemed to be just a couple of seats away from me wherever I happen to sit. No, I am not talking about a stalker here, I think he realized that we were on the same flight and he was waiting for me to go through the gates so that he can just follow me. I thought then that at least I didn’t look like it was my first time to leave the country but I also thought that if I missed the plane then I would have led another to miss his flight was well. (At least there are two of us… hehe).    

Fast forward to the plane ride…                             

Because it was my first airplane trip in a loooooong time, I wanted to sit by the window. I observed every minute detail before, during and after take off. When we finally took off and I didnt feel much the pressure in my ears (which was one of my main concerns, hehehe…), I told myself, "eto na, totoo na talaga ito…" (hahaha… pathetic ba?)

I was told that Singapore Airlines (SIA) is one of the best airline carriers. If I am to ride in economy class at least I am in SIA economy class. I had inflight entertainment right at my fingertips. I had the courage to try to understand how the controls worked and soon I was comfortable watching a movie and listening to songs. I finally began to relax and enjoyed the ride…

… to be continued… 

"Sunshine after the rain…" - How often have we heard this phrase? Countless… It is in poems, songs and other literary forms. I didn’t think I understood what it "literally" meant until I consciously observed the morning after a rain shower.

The air was still cool. The smell of grass lingered. I couldn’t remember seeing the leaves so vividly green. Sunlight peeked through the empty spaces in between the leaves of the trees, but I "marveled" most in how it was reflected in the droplets of water still on the leaves, practically glistening. It was a simple yet beautiful sight…

I am fascinated with nature. (And the following are my random thoughts… :))

I enjoy feeling the wind as I wonder on how vast the sea or ocean can be when I am atop of a hill.

I wish I had the stamina and determination of a mountaineer so that I may feel how wonderful it is to be surrounded by the clouds and see the glow and the different colors that the sun casts as it rises or goes down.

I marvel at clear, blue and sparkling water with the sea shells and sea creatures completely visible.

I love feeling the mist of water on my face as I travel on open sea. 

The thought of walking under the peach or cherry blossoms of peach/cherry trees brings a smile to my face.

I believe it will be wonderful to see and be in the midst of a meadow full of wild flowers with colorful butterflies and little dragonflies fluttering here and there.

I would like spend a quiet afternoon under the shade of a big tree, simply reading or resting or having a picnic.

… In the midst of nature, I feel that everything is all right in the world. The surroundings soothe and comfort. And there is peace that engulfs the heart…

Jologs na kung jologs. Bahala na. Pero sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon, ipapaalam ko sa mga taong naglalaan ng panahon na basahin ang blog ko, na ako ay fan ni Hero. Kinailangan ko pang i-save as draft ang post na ito bago ko tuluyang ilathala. Sa madaling sabi, hindi naging madali para sa akin. Hahaha. Kinailangan ko rin na baguhin ang mga nauna kong isinulat sapagkat ayaw kong mag mukhang "anti-Kapamilya network" ang post na ito. Hahaha.

Anyway, my friend Butch would most likely want to take credit for this post. He had told me that while my blog entries make for a good read, the posts are too serious. So I decided that for a change, I will write down my thoughts on something that deviates from the "mood/theme" of my earlier blog posts.

I may not be considered a "typical" fan. I do not own any magazine that featured Hero. I had not gone to any of his mall shows or Hero’s Day(s). I am not subscribed to his k-text. I do not have his autograph and I do not keep a collection of his pictures. So what makes me a fan then? Well, I often visit his forum thread at www.pinoyexchange.com (PEX). This is where I get most of my information about Hero. I enjoy reading the posts of fellow fans and know that there are other people who are like me. Hahaha. I try to watch his TV shows and TV guestings as much as I can. I had watched both of his movies during the first week of release. (Ohhh… did I just write that? Hahaha;) ) And I consider myself affected by the recent turn of events in his showbiz career. (This is where my "rant" against his home network for "freezing his career" was supposed to start… Hahaha).

Marami pa dapat akong sasabihin pagkatapos ng talatang yan. Pero nagbago ang isip ko. Malaking bagay na na nasabi ko na fan ako ni Hero. Bakit nga ba ako fan? Ayaw ko na ring banggitin ang mga obvious na dahilan, Hahaha :-D. Dun na lang tayo sa hindi pangkaraniwang maririnig.*wink*  Fan ako marahil dahil kinatawan nya ang isang tao na natupad ang pangarap, pinilit na makiayon at makibagay sa sistemang umiiral, pero sa huli, nanatiling tapat sa sarili nya. Marami siyang kahinaan, marami siyang maituturing na maling desisyon na ginawa pero pinaninindigan niya kung ano ang tunay na mahalaga sa kanya. (Siyempre, lahat nang nabanggit ay kabilang sa impresyon ko na nabuo sa pamamagitan ng napanood at nabasa ko tungkol sa kanya *wink*)  Ay oo nga pala, isa pa… cute niya e… HAHAHA

I always thank God for everything I have right now. I thank Him for helping us get by day after day. I thank Him for life’s little luxuries. Most of all, I thank Him for always making me feel loved and blessed. Life is not all roses for me. People may think that I live a relatively easy life because that is how I would like to appear to them. This is not to say that I keep everything inside or that I am not being honest with people. Maybe that is how I cope. Maybe I am too proud. Maybe I would just like to keep things light. Or maybe that is just how I would like things to be. I would rather help them and emphatize with their problems than discuss mine. But I cry, I even feel hopeless and helpless sometimes. Insecurity sets in every now and then. When I celebrate Mass alone, I stay a while after the Mass to pray and in while in prayer, I cry. I find sanctuary in the Church, in the adoration chapel because I know God listens, He does not judge and that He will always understand. So I let the tears flow but I am determined to be strong. I tell myself that even if I am going through a tough time, this too shall pass and despite everything, I am still blessed. There are people who undergo much worse problems and situations. But I will not lie and say that I do not worry. I worry about what the future will bring. I worry about the outcome of decisions I made. I worry about the impressions people may have made about me. In fact, I worry even about the smallest things. But I continue to hope and in hope I find strength. I hope for better times. I hope for the fulfillment of my dreams. I hope to fall in love. I hope to be able to see more of the world. I hope, no matter how cliche, for a meaningful life. I hope and I continue to pray. I work for my family. I pray that I will be able to give them a comfortable life, that we will be able to enjoy the fruits of our labor, that my youngest sister will have things we used to enjoy and even more. I pray that I do not get disillusioned about life and people. I pray that I will have the grace to do what is right. I pray that I will continue to live by the values instilled in me. I pray that I always think with an open mind. I pray that I learn to emphatize more and judge less. I pray that in my own little way, I will make a difference, if not in the world then in the lives of people.