Thinking Aloud - My Random Thoughts

Check out: http://divalcantara.multiply.com/journal/item/1/Tagged_10_Things_You_Probably_Dont_or_May_Not_Know_About_Me_

It’s been quite a while since I last posted a blog entry.. I have attempted to do so a couple of times but I always end up feeling too lazy to write anything. Hehehe…

I wanted to do a year end thing last December or January since 2007 has definitely been quite a year for me. There have been so many changes including a new job and a significant other for the first time in my life. Being a stickler for details though, I would probably have an unfinished entry in draft status because I would feel that there are details lacking and it wouldn’t be worth publishing if I missed some thing… Hehehe… (weird lah?)

I decided then  that I would write a blog that  captures what I am thinking and feeling at this moment… It would not be a narrative or sequence of events written chronological order… (redundant? sequence and chronological order? hehehe)

My Friendster horoscope partly reads:
Libra
The Bottom Line

A warm smile is all you need now, as you’re appreciating the smaller things in life.

Came from Mass a few hours ago, I was again alone but I didn’t mind. After all, it was an opportunity to pray with no one I know watching me (well, except for God of course). No, I did not cry this time. I knelt down and thanked God for all that He has blessed me with. Sometimes, I would like to ask if I deserved all of it. Not that I am complaining of course.

I have a good job, earning more than enough I believe to cover all my needs as well as my family’s needs (our wants is another story ;)). My job gave me the opportunity to travel to the US and stay there for almost 8 weeks. I am able to learn more and hone my skills.

I love my family. We are far from being the perfect family but I wouldn’t trade them for anything in this world. To see them happy makes me happy. I am a proud daddy’s girl. Spoiled in some ways by my dad I think. I wouldn’t say that my mom and I aren’t close though. When she is in a good mood, she can be like a good friend, sharing my apprehensions and kilig moments. I learn a lot from her. I miss my sister who went to Dubai last year. I think that she understands me the most even if her patience runs quite thin sometimes. Chatting with her over YM makes me feel that I have someone who will be ready to fight with me whatever happens.  My little sister is a constant source of joy. Seeing her grow makes me feel like a proud mom. Hehehe.

I am also proud to be part of the Simon and Alcantara clans. I enjoy seeing our family grow each year. I am grateful for how my titas and titos show their concern and appreciation. I love talking to my cousins and spending time with them. We might not see each other often but the family ties are never broken.

I am grateful to have good sets of friends. To know you can count on them and they can count on you.. To have people with whom you can share the good and the "could have been better" times…

And of course, how can I forget Cholo? He is the biggest source of change in my life the past year. :-D  He made me cry even before we became a couple. I had cried 5 years worth of tears from the time we got together. Hehehe. But he also makes me feel very much loved and very much cared for (most of the time anyway… hehehe). its in the little things… the letters he writes including the short poems he composes, the "because I felt I like it/because I thought of you" gifts and the "because I would like to spend time with you" dates… the way he seems proud to let the world know that we are together… :-D  I feel grateful for I know that whatever may happen in the future, God has given me a good man for my first love.

"It is your choices far more than your abilities that show who you truly are.." - Dumbledore to Harry Potter

This remains as my most favorite quote from Harry Potter.. it says so much really..

You may say one thing but choose to do another… it doesn’t matter how sincere you  uttered those words..  in the end, what matters is what you have chosen to do…

When people say that they have done something because they are left with no choice… It is not really true… They have a choice. We have a choice. The only problem is, the alternative is too hard, too inconceivable that it seems we do not have a choice. For example, if a loved one’s life is at stake or if everything you’ve worked for all your life will be lost…

I think that choices boil down to the things we value or much more accurately what we choose to value… Do you value your family more than your career? Would you let someone decide for you because you do not want the responsibility of facing the consequences to rest on your shoulders? Would you fight for someone you love or let him fight for you? Ultimately, your choice would show what kind of person you are…

I have been faced with difficult choices… some of which I had cried over and gave me sleepless nights… As I move through life and venture into new things, I am faced with new choices… "forced" to make decisions without much lead time… In the process, I discover more about myself… I also sometimes prove myself wrong…

I realized that sometimes, no matter how risk averse I maybe, I should learn how to handle and deal with risks and that sometimes I need to prioritize the things I value in life… Certainly no easy feat… Especially since along with all these, I need to prepare myself for the consequences of my decisions… prepare to fight, prepare to get hurt, prepare to be strong…

Through all these choices, I have a constant prayer, that I may remain true to who I am, that He help me make the right choices/decisions, that He be with me through it all… Amen.

May 11, 2007 - I took my first vacation leave from my new work. I had a mission: secure government issued IDs and claim my highschool yearbook.:)

Cholo and I went to the SSS office first to apply for SSS IDs. Since we were early, there was almost no queue. Although the woman at the verification counter seemed to have started off the day on the wrong side of the bed, the guy at the photo booth was cool enough to make me repeat my "digital signature" three times. hehehe.

Next stop: BIR office to get TIN IDs. No luck here. Found out that we need to secure the IDs from our RDO, which is in Makati. Didn’t want to go all the way to Makati during our VL though… besides, I am not the driver so the driver gets the final say…

On to Assumption Antipolo now… It was a great day to coast along the uphill streets of Antipolo. I reminisced about my grade school and highschool days. I thought about how things have changed and how some things stayed the same. Cholo, of course had the pleasure (?) of hearing all my thoughts. Hehehe.:P *sigh* Life seemed so uncomplicated then..

When we got to Assumption, I was not able to contain my excitement. Hahaha.=D It’s been 8 years since I was last there. Our multipurpose hall didn’t seem to have changed much and the kind woman at one of the cashier windows seemed to have recognized an "old girl" (old girl: Assumption alumnae):).

As we made our way to the Admin building, I really can’t help smiling.:) (smiling now as I think about it… Hehehe.) I passed by the cafeteria, the mini theater, the music room… there are just so many memories! Hehehe.

At the Admin building, I had to ask for my yearbook - Memoirs ‘99. For a while there, I thought I would not be able to get my copy since they can’t find our class list anymore. Hehehe. After a short wait though, Ms. Gidget brought down a
copy and just made me sign my name under one of the class lists
available. Finally!!! I had my own copy of my highschool yearbook! Woohoo! Hahaha. =) When I finished browsing through the yearbook (for which I was (supposedly) one of the editors by the way) and pointing out friends to Cholo, we decided to tour around the campus.

Ayun na, para akong estudyante ulit… Hehehe. I was so proud of my school, so proud of my campus. It was able to retain the "nature ambiance" even with the addition of several buildings. The Assumpta theater looked great even from the outside. We also managed to stop by the EcoPark… walang nagbabantay (actually wala talagang tao) so pasok na lang kami basta… hehehe…

Anyway, of course we eventually had to leave but I was still in a great mood after. We decided to go to the Antipolo Cathedral. There was a little boy who guided us to a parking space. I promised him I will buy suman from him when we get back to the car.

I had only been to Our Lady of Peace and Good Voyage Church once before I think and so I am not very familiar with the place. I saw the Adoration Chapel though and so we headed that way. Like most Adoration chapels, it was a solemn place. As I knelt down to pray, I couldn’t keep the tears from falling. I felt so blessed, there had been so many changes in my life this year and I truly feel that the Lord has blessed me with so much. Before we left the chapel, the kind ladies who were manning the petition boxes and selling raffle tickets made some small talk and teased us… ayun, bumili tuloy ako ng raffle ticket.. hehe.

There was a Mass going on at the main Church so we just went in for a little while and said our short prayers.  As we went down the front steps of the Church, a lady who seemed to have mastered the art of sales talk met us at the gate and persuaded us to buy from her store. To make a relatively long bargaining and persuading session short, let me just say we bought suman and kasoy as pasalubong for our families.:)  But of course I didn’t forget my promise to the little boy who led us to the parking space. I still bought suman from his mom. I don’t know whether I was just being sentimental, but I saw gratitude in his eyes and in the way he said thank you. He probably thought I was not going to be true to the words I told him earlier especially since he saw us carrying suman already… Hopefully, it had made him realize that despite the hard life, there are promises that can still be kept… *sigh*

As we made our way back to the "city", I couldn’t help feeling content, peaceful even and I really had a hard time keeping a smile off my face.. It’s been a while since I can truly say that I had a great morning…

Cholo and I ate lunch at their house. Tita Sony had prepared a dish of prawns sprinkled with cheese.:) After having our fill, we drove to Greenhills, window shopped for a while and then went to watch a movie. I wouldn’t rave about "Lucky You" though but since we watched it in Promenade and it was my choice to watch it, I wouldn’t dare complain… hehehe…

The day couldn’t go on forever though, so after dinner, we had to go home… hehehe… We were obviously tired from all the places we went to and things we did, but it wouldn’t take away the fact that it had been a wonderful way to celebrate our second month together…;)

It was truly one fine day… and admittedly, a big part of it was because I spent it with you… (nax naman! hahaha!

Text messages that hold more meaning now:

"You cannot love and hold yourself back from its full force; Love is about placing that bet, taking that risk and letting go of fear… Love is dangerous for it will always ask you to jump off the cliff with your eyes closed… with nothing but trust to break your fall…"

it had not been easy to take the jump… in fact, the fear still surfaces every now and then… but there is no turning back now, not even if im given the chance… i just continue to hope and pray and believe that whatever will break my fall will always be there…

"Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have: the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar, and the fortitude of the certain."

i cannot claim to be any of the above… and i now know firsthand that i need all those… but with God’s grace, i will try my best to make "this" work… 

"Being with someone does not guarantee happiness, finding your other half does. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been alone, how long you’ve hoped, or how long you’ve waited. There is no such thing as a perfect love story. Heartaches will always be a part of loving. But remember - though not perfect, if that love is meant for you, it will stick with you until the end. No matter how tough it gets, no matter how long. Far from perfect but REAL."

this is as real as it gets…

no regrets… :)   

One must never settle for anyone. One must never love half heartedly. One must never force his or herself to forget. And one must never play with his/her and other people’s feelings… Because no one deserves to be at the receiving end…

It hurt. It still does. If it was only about pride, it would have been easy to rationalize. You are one proud person after all. But pride is among the least of the reasons. You cared, you hoped, you thought it was only a matter of time. You thought you had prepared your mitigation strategy, formulated your contigency plan for that big risk. But it still it didn’t spare you from getting hurt.

Good thing you found out early. Good thing there was no denial. Thank God you are friends. It had been easier to accept, to understand. There was no anger, not much bitterness except for the fact that you had hoped that your feelings were considered too, that you had not been considered to fill in while the other had not yet been ready or had not been willing to.

Again, thank God for the friendship for you have the sincere wish that he be happy even if he is not with you.

This should have been posted last night… unfortunately, MyIE2 (Maxthon) encountered an error and I was unable to save my blog entry… sayang un ah… Since I can’t sleep pa rin, I decided to "recreate" my post from last night…

I can’t seem to sleep earlier than 12MN. My body clock must have gotten used to my 2am phone marathons and internet surfing sessions and etc.. etc.. Hehehehe…

This past month had been a good month for me for building/strengthening friendships and "reinvigorating" old ones… hehehehe…

Where do I start? hmmm… I’ll start with my "Major friends" (still can’t get over how corny that sounds… hehehe…). Anyway, I’ve been with this group to Bulacan, to MoA, to Libis, to Makati in a span of a few days (?)/weeks. We go out for dinner every once in a while pa nyan ah. Hehehe.  Just last Monday night, we had our belated birthday celebration for one of our "major friends". I think we spent about 80% of our time laughing and making okray some people… hahaha… Medyo major gastos nga lang since halos twice a week kami kung umalis pero its fun naman e kaya ok lang…

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Speaking of major gastos, I had a small birthday celebration at our place on my birthday. I’ve never had one since my debut and up to now, I am still not sure why I threw this one… I spent several hours preparing for it, I even made the gulaman for the sago-gulaman drink ah… masarap naman daw e… hahahaha… no choice sila e…  Pero all the hours spent shopping and preparing for it was worth it when my friends came over… I really appreciated those who still came despite the long travel… touched ako ah… honestly…

Some of the "untouchables" were also there. And you can tell they are the ones most comfortable in our house since they preferred to eat seated on the floor… hahaha… even if i didnt get to spend too much time with them that day, we still managed to plan for our next get together… hopefully work and play (for some) will not get in the way… hahahaha… overnight na naman ata… paalamanan na naman itong matindi… hehehe…

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Last Saturday, I also had a chance to meet up with my highschool friends. I arrived late as I also came from the wedding of one of my officemate friends (i rarely pass up the chance to attend a wedding… love the way newly married couples look at each other… *sigh*… but I digress from my story.. hehehe)… Its been quite a while.. so much had changed in a span of seven years… some had married, one has a beautiful baby girl already, another is based in the States… but there are some things that still felt the same… hehehe… it felt good to reminisce our highschool and even gradeschool days… at syempre mawawala ba ang mga tsismis?… kahit 10 year old chismis na un… hehehehe…  it is wonderful to note that despite the years and the distance, the friendship remains… awww…

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ayun… can’t help feeling senti… la lang…

Nililibang mo ang sarili mo. Nagpapanggap na wala kang malalim na pinaiisipan. Grrr… ang hirap. Sa dinami-dami ng dapat mong gawin, nde mo magawa dahil iniisip mo kung paano mo panghahawakan ang ganitong sitwasyon.

Hayaan mo na lang ganun ba? Yun ang pinakamadaling gawin e. Kaya lang ginawa mo na un dati. May nasaktan pa rin kahit nde mo sadyain. Yun lang baka sa pagkakataong ito, ikaw naman.

Ikaw, oo… ikaw… handa ka na ba? Sa tingin ko hindi ka magiging handa… masasabak ka na lang ng nde mo namamalayan… Tignan natin ang galing mo ngayon… kayanin mo kaya?

Grrr!!! Ngayon pa?! Andami-dami mong pinagkakaabalahan. Ngayon pa kung kelan puro kaiyak-iyak na kwento ang kwento na naririnig mo. Ngayon pa na marami kang bagong responsibilidad. Umiwas pusoy ka na… Hahahaha..  (mababaliw ka nyan)… Kapanahunan pa ata ng Tatang ang phrase na yun ah… Applicable pa rin?

Pero dahan-dahanin natin baka nauunahan mo ang wala pa ngang kalinawan. Baka masyado ka na naman nag-iisip. E kung wala lang? Sana nga wala lang.. Please………

For my heart’s sake… ;(

I didn’t realize how much I missed watching basketball games until I watched our basketball team play in our company’s basketball league. I missed the adrenaline rush. I missed the hyped emotions. I missed the game. I missed the people associated with my baskeball memories.

I was exposed to basketball at an early age. My parents are PBA fans. My sister used to play basketball at her school. But I never really paid much attention to basketball until I reached highschool. I cannot recall now whether I was first hooked when I saw Jason Webb (JW) playing for La Salle or when I chanced upon Johnny Abarrientos’ (JA) amazing basketball moves. Hehehe. Anyway, from that time I watched almost every basketball game on TV. I watched UAAP, PBA, PBL and even NCAA. I watched NBA championship games. I knew the names and some stats of a lot of basketball players. I am ecstatic when my team wins, dejected and affected when the team loses. I bought sports magazines when Alaska won the Grand Slam and JA was named MVP (and JW played for the Philippine team and was drafted into the PBA).

I remember one time I asked my dad if we can watch an Alaska-Ginebra game live at the Araneta Coliseum and I cried when my sister started teasing (taunting may be the more proper term) me that our dad wouldn’t agree. (For the record, my whole family watched that game. I still have the ticket stubs to prove it. Hehehehe.)

I really like the sport (not just the players… honestly… hehehe). I know the rules, I know if a player just put on a good acting job to get an offensive foul off the other player or if the referee anticipated a call or if there should be a jump ball at the center court because a player from each team stepped too early into the lane during a freethrow. I know a great shot when I see one. I admire cross over dribbles and great alley hoop plays. JA is my favorite player of all time because he did not only stand out in a game supposedly for giants, he managed to make his other teammates look good and perform well.   

Anyway, I was so into basketball that most friends would give me basketball-related gifts -JA’s autographed keychain (official PBA merchadise), Alaska’s button pin, a basketball pillow… etc… I also had the chance to have my picture taken with PBA players (friends with connections yah know… hehehe). I even interviewed a basketball player (Boybits Victoria) for a school project. Hehehehe.

It was during my college days that I began to watch less of basketball. My highschool friends and I rarely get the chance to meet up, more so to watch basketball. My college friends weren’t big basketball fans except for one. JA got traded to another team (which I found hard to accept) and soon lost major playing minutes. PBA got tangled up in the Fil-sham controversy… etc… etc.. 

When I started working, I got to watch basketball even less. On those rare occasions, I realized that there were a lot of faces I had not seen before, there were player trade-offs I had not heard about and there were many changes I had not been aware of. Worse of all,  JA is no longer part of the starting line up and labeled as ‘over the hill’. :( 

Fast forward - - - > This past month I had been invited to watch our "project’s" basketball team in the playoffs… I only knew half of the players and I only went the first time because I already gave my word and I wanted to show my support for my project mates and start groupmate. But after I watched that first game, I looked forward to the next one.:)  I got caught up in the excitement. I found myself cheering for players, calling out their names when I did not even know them. I joined the good natured teasing of ‘Uwian Na’. Hehehe. I went to see the championship games even with a sprained foot. I enjoyed the "workout" as I seemed to be drenched in sweat after every game (yuck noh? hehehehe). Best of all, I enjoyed the winning moment of our young, rookie team. (last second shot, they won the championship by just 1 point. they transcended all the odds and beat all the ‘favored’ ones… hehehe)

*Sigh* It’s been quite sometime… certainly missed watching basketball big time pare… hehehe…

Trivia: I often use j14div or jdiv14 as email address or messenger id or as code/user name… DIV does not entail a lot of explanation… J and 14 then should stand for something right? No J in my name… my bday does not fall on the 14th either… When asked, I often say, J is my fave letter and 14 is my fave number… applies to a lot of things and people in my life but it had to start with something in particular… if you’ve read this blog post and if you are a PHL basketball fan, it wouldn’t be too hard to figure it out… hehehe ;)   

Feeling highschool na naman me… Grabe… Pero ang cute nya talaga e… I don’t care what other people say… basta cute sya… JULIAN!!! Hahaha…

Move over Vic Zhou… Here is someone who seems to have more charm than you do… (and can understand and speak more English words than I’ll ever hear from you…) Hahahaha… I’m baliw na talaga… Ito ata napapala ng mga taong walang lovelife… Ibinabaling ang atensyon sa mga tao na nakikita lamang sa TV.. pero sana pagbigyan na ako… sige na… I may outgrow (keyword: MAY) this phase rin naman e… (Hero who?) Hehehe…

Sigh… sana bumalik sya here katulad ng mga nababasa ko… sa August 14 daw e… pwede kaya akong makiusap sa aking highschool friends na taga-ABS? Hehehe…

Anyway, just had to let my "excitement" out (of seeing him here, sa aking lupang kinalakhan… ummm whatever) Hahaha… Special thanks to my former team lead, the first one to text me the news at sya lang rin ang natatangi kong nasasabihan ng kung anu-ano na tungkol kay Julian… Sana hindi sya magsawa… Hahaha… And of course, sa aking family… na iniintindi kapag nakatutok lang ako sa TV kapag My Girl na at hindi ko sila napapansin… Hehehe… At sa dad ko na nagsabi na hindi na daw ako nagsawa sa gwapo… Hehehe…